In my book Performance Capability, a key distinction in relationships is “What the Mask Represses, the Relationship Expresses” This highlights how the facades or masks we put on to hide our true selves can impact our relationships. Essentially, when we hide certain aspects of ourselves or repress emotions behind a façade, those suppressed feelings or traits often manifest in how we interact with others over time, revealing our true selves in indirect ways.
Let’s delve into this concept with a story:
The Story of Alex and Jamie
Alex and Jamie had been friends since college. Both were successful in their careers, but they had different ways of managing their emotions. Alex was a natural performer, always the life of the party, using humor and charisma to navigate social situations. Jamie, on the other hand, was more reserved and serious, often choosing to keep her feelings close to her chest.
The Mask
Alex wore a mask of constant cheerfulness and confidence. He felt that his worth was tied to being entertaining and approachable. Underneath, however, Alex struggled with self-doubt and a fear of vulnerability. He was afraid that if people saw the real him—someone who sometimes felt insecure or uncertain—they might not find him as likable or valuable. So, he kept his insecurities hidden behind jokes and a carefree attitude.
Jamie, meanwhile, had her own mask of stoicism. She prided herself on being a reliable and grounded friend, always there for others but never showing much of her own emotional struggles. She believed that showing any vulnerability or need for support would be a sign of weakness or a burden to others.
The Relationship
Despite their strong friendship, Alex and Jamie’s relationship began to strain over time. Alex’s need to be constantly upbeat and entertaining started to wear on Jamie, who felt that Alex never allowed himself to be truly honest or open. She longed for deeper, more meaningful conversations but found it challenging to connect with Alex on that level. Alex’s mask of cheerfulness, while endearing at times, prevented him from expressing his true, often conflicted emotions.
On the other hand, Jamie’s tendency to suppress her own feelings led her to avoid discussing her own struggles. She often felt overwhelmed and unsupported, but she didn’t let Alex in on how much she was struggling. This created a sense of distance between them, where both felt they were not truly being seen or understood.
“The mask you wear is a disguise for the truth you hide; only in vulnerability does true connection arise.”
The Unmasking
The turning point came during a particularly tough time for Jamie. She was dealing with a personal crisis, and despite her efforts to keep it to herself, her emotional strain began to seep through in her interactions. One day, after a particularly tough phone call with Jamie, Alex noticed that she seemed distant and withdrawn.
He reached out, and after some probing, Jamie finally opened up about her struggles. She shared her fears and the emotional burden she had been carrying, something she had kept hidden behind her mask of strength. This honesty was a revelation for Alex. For the first time, he saw Jamie not just as the reliable friend but as a person with her own vulnerabilities and needs.
In response, Alex felt compelled to take off his own mask. He admitted to Jamie that he, too, had been hiding behind his cheerful persona because he feared being seen as weak or unworthy. This mutual revelation marked a turning point in their friendship. They began to communicate more openly and authentically, addressing their true feelings and needs rather than maintaining their facades.
“The mask may hide the face, but it cannot conceal the heart.”
The Real Example
A real-world example of this dynamic can be seen in the relationship between famous comedian Robin Williams and his close friends. Williams was known for his incredible humor and ability to make others laugh, often using comedy as a shield. However, those who knew him well were aware of the deep struggles he faced with depression and self-doubt. His public mask of joviality and humor was a way to cope with and repress his internal struggles.
His close relationships sometimes bore the brunt of this masking. Friends and family reported that it was challenging to connect with him on a deeper emotional level because his public persona often obscured his true emotional state. It was only when he allowed himself to be more open about his struggles that he could form more authentic and supportive connections, even though the process was fraught with challenges.
Conclusion
The story of Alex and Jamie, along with the real-life example of Robin Williams, illustrates how masks we wear to protect ourselves or present a certain image can affect our relationships. When we repress our true emotions and needs behind a façade, those hidden aspects often come out in our interactions with others, revealing what is truly at play beneath the surface. Authentic relationships require removing these masks to connect on a deeper, more genuine and authentic level.
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© Ben Benson
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